the difference between optimism and pessimism..
the difference between happiness and depression..
the difference between perseverance and quitting..
the difference between joy and hurt..
the difference between hope and despair..
I feel happy recently. Cos I've been practising thinking positive thoughts and having faith. When I feel all the negative emotions, I allow myself to soak in it for a minute and then I work on having FAITH that everything will work out for the better in time. I have faith in myself. I believe I deserve the kind of love that I want and am willing to give, love that goes beyond appearance and physical. Love that you feel DEEP down in your heart, even when miles apart. Love that causes you to give without calculating.. Instead of despairing when I see loving couples holding hands, I tell myself - I will love those whom I have, I will be happy and I will live fully .. I will be thankful for what I already have... Cos I believe if you look for love, it can never be found, but if you stop looking for it, it will find you.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
TGIF songs
Have you ever been in a crowd of people and yet felt so alone cos you missed someone so much...Tonite i just miss this person so much it hurts like a heartache..
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Rose
Heard this on radio today and remembered it was one of my favourite songs sung by amanda macbroom. Really beautiful song, never get tired of listening to it. To me, Love is so many things. Sometimes its like a razor that leaves your soul to bleed, other times its like a flower that blooms...whatever it is, love is so wonderful esp when you really feel it. I thought I knew what love is until i ran out of it. My heart was empty till this special person came along and filled my heart..
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Retail Therapy
Woke up after a really good sleep.. Yesterday's swim was FANTASTIC. It's really great to work out with a buddy. I don't know why I'm born with two conflicting sides to me - one is so athletic, competitive and sporty while my other side is feminine and gentle. I can't resist soft flowy dresses and looking utterly feminine in a dresses and high heels. But my other side loves wearing jeans, tees, shorts and rugged clothes Lara Croft style. So my wardrobe is split into two - Rugged & Sporty Clothes vs Feminine Wear.
Today I'm in a feminine mood definitely. So I put on a dress, choker and heels to town. First stop was Far East Plaza. There's a boutique there that I frequently visit - Chaos. The designer seems to share the same taste as me. There's a new collection at the shop and I ended up buying 3 dresses, 2 skirts and 2 blouses, along with lacey leggings and tube tops. Then I went to a perfume shop to get this fragrance, Miracle by Lancome. It's quite a sweet floral scent but not too sweet. I like it after it develops further. I had planned to go Taka but after buying so much at Chaos, I'm satisfied and wanting to go home..
This is what you call RETAIL THERAPY. Since a picture speaks a thousand words, here are two pics speaking 2000 words about 2 of my new dresses.
Going to cook minced beef with basil, a Thai recipe, for dinner. Then head for my Inline Skating lesson. Looking forward to meet my skating buddies and trainers. They're really a sporty bunch of ppl!
Today I'm in a feminine mood definitely. So I put on a dress, choker and heels to town. First stop was Far East Plaza. There's a boutique there that I frequently visit - Chaos. The designer seems to share the same taste as me. There's a new collection at the shop and I ended up buying 3 dresses, 2 skirts and 2 blouses, along with lacey leggings and tube tops. Then I went to a perfume shop to get this fragrance, Miracle by Lancome. It's quite a sweet floral scent but not too sweet. I like it after it develops further. I had planned to go Taka but after buying so much at Chaos, I'm satisfied and wanting to go home..
This is what you call RETAIL THERAPY. Since a picture speaks a thousand words, here are two pics speaking 2000 words about 2 of my new dresses.
Going to cook minced beef with basil, a Thai recipe, for dinner. Then head for my Inline Skating lesson. Looking forward to meet my skating buddies and trainers. They're really a sporty bunch of ppl!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Crepes with Ham and Cheese Topping
This is my second attempt at this and turned out much better. First time the flour was too much (followed the recipe) and the sauce ended up too gooey. This one looks great!
These are the crepes. I used a crepe pan from Tefal.
This is the cheese sauce.
This is the ham and mushrooms being sauteed in butter.. I used portobello mushrooms (can't find button mushrooms) and shoulder ham.
This is the final topping - after I combined the cheese sauce with the ham and mushrooms. Looks yummy rite?
This is the folded crepe with the topping inside...
This is the picture from the recipe book.
These are the crepes. I used a crepe pan from Tefal.
This is the cheese sauce.
This is the ham and mushrooms being sauteed in butter.. I used portobello mushrooms (can't find button mushrooms) and shoulder ham.
This is the final topping - after I combined the cheese sauce with the ham and mushrooms. Looks yummy rite?
This is the folded crepe with the topping inside...
This is the picture from the recipe book.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
God bless MM LKY..
So touched by this story in the Straits Times today that I could not hold back the tears..What esp touched me is this part :
"After my mother's second stroke in 2008, she became bed-bound and could no longer accompany my father on his travels overseas or to social functions here. Every night after returning home from work, my father now spends about two hours telling my mother about his day and reading aloud her favourite poems to her.
The poetry books are rather thick and heavy, so he uses a heavy-duty music stand to place the books. One night, he was so sleepy, he fell asleep while reading to my mother, slumped forward and hit his face against the music stand. Since the music stand was made of metal, he suffered abrasions on his face. He cursed himself for his carelessness but still carries on reading aloud to my mother every night."
Jun 20, 2010
A love story
Love at first sight is romantic but may not hold a candle to love that lasts a lifetime & is for better or for worse
By Lee Wei Ling
An advertisement for the 'Sassy Miss 2010 Workshop Series' in The Straits Times caught my eye recently. The headline was: 'The Power of First Impressions.'
The text claimed: 'It takes just 30 seconds for your first date or prospective employer to form an everlasting impression of you. So flash your X-factor, from the way you look to the style in which you carry yourself. Come uncover all the trade secrets of image-making at this power workshop!'
I was amused. If I want to make an impression, it would be to show my competence, sincerity, pragmatism and willingness to fight for what is right. My appearance and how I carry myself are highly unlikely to make an impression in a 30-minute encounter, let alone a 30-second 'flash'.
As for assessing someone on the first encounter, it would take me at least five to 10 minutes to appraise a person. I do not base my judgment on whether the person is good-looking or how he carries himself. Instead I would focus on his facial expression and body language.
If these contradict what he says, I would be wary of him. Body language and facial expressions are rarely under voluntary control and hence are better indicators of the true intent of a person than speech.
I am fairly good at sizing up people. There have been quite a few instances when I have accurately assessed someone at the first brief encounter. But even then, I seldom depend solely on first impressions. I will reassess the person on subsequent occasions. Only if I observe certain traits repeatedly would I be confident in my assessment.
Some people do indeed judge others on the basis of first impressions. Their judgment may well be strongly influenced by the person's appearance, how well he carries himself and how eloquently he speaks. I think such people are shallow. In life, we have to interact with people; and the more accurately we judge people, the fewer mistakes we are likely to make about them.
Research on interpersonal relationships between strangers shows that physical appearance does influence first impressions. But this does not explain why people stick together in long-term relationships. Commitment is a key variable in sustaining such relationships.
The one remarkable relationship I have personally observed is the one between my father and mother. Theirs was certainly not love at first sight. Nor were looks the main factor in their mutual attraction. Rather, it was personality and intellectual compatibility.
They are not only lovers, they are also best friends. There has never been any calculation about how much each had invested in the relationship. Theirs is an unconditional love.
Before my mother suffered her first stroke in 2003, she lived her life around my father, taking care of his every need. The stroke and the resultant disability made my mother quite frail.
From that point on, my father lived his life around her. He was still in the Cabinet, first as Senior Minister and then as Minister Mentor, but he tried his best to arrange his working schedule around my mother's needs.
He also took care of her health, strongly urging her to swim daily for exercise, and supervised her complicated regime of medication. He would also measure her blood pressure several times a day, till I got in touch with Dr Ting Choon Ming who had invented a blood pressure measuring equipment that is worn like a watch. Next day, when Dr Ting came to take the watch back to analyse the recorded blood pressure, my mother said to him: 'I prefer to have my husband measure my blood pressure.'
After my mother's second stroke in 2008, she became bed-bound and could no longer accompany my father on his travels overseas or to social functions here. Every night after returning home from work, my father now spends about two hours telling my mother about his day and reading aloud her favourite poems to her.
The poetry books are rather thick and heavy, so he uses a heavy-duty music stand to place the books. One night, he was so sleepy, he fell asleep while reading to my mother, slumped forward and hit his face against the music stand. Since the music stand was made of metal, he suffered abrasions on his face. He cursed himself for his carelessness but still carries on reading aloud to my mother every night.
I have always known my father was fearless, willing to fight to the bitter end for Singapore. When Vietnam fell in 1975, it looked for a while as though the domino hypothesis - which held that other South-east Asian states would also fall to the communists like dominoes - might turn out to be true. My father knew how ruthless the communists were, but he was determined to stay on in Singapore, and my mother was just as determined to stay on by his side.
I began this article because I was reading an article in a psychological journal on 'love at first sight versus love for a lifetime, for better or for worse'.
Love at first sight is rare and often does not endure. The affection my parents have for each other is also rare. They are each other's soul mates; their happy marriage has lasted beyond their diamond anniversary.
But they have never made a show of being a loving couple in public. Even in private, they have rarely demonstrated their love for each other with hugs or kisses. It was only after my mother's second stroke that I saw my father kiss my mother on her forehead to comfort her. They don't seem to feel the need for a dramatic physical show of love.
I have great admiration for what my father has done for Singapore - and at age 87, he is still promoting Singapore's interests. But he being the first-born son in a Peranakan family, I would not have suspected him to have been capable of such devotion as he has shown for my mother, taking care of her so painstakingly. My admiration for him has increased manifold because I have watched him look after my mother so devotedly over the last two painful years.
The writer is director of the National Neuroscience Institute. Send your comments to suntimes@sph.com.sg
"After my mother's second stroke in 2008, she became bed-bound and could no longer accompany my father on his travels overseas or to social functions here. Every night after returning home from work, my father now spends about two hours telling my mother about his day and reading aloud her favourite poems to her.
The poetry books are rather thick and heavy, so he uses a heavy-duty music stand to place the books. One night, he was so sleepy, he fell asleep while reading to my mother, slumped forward and hit his face against the music stand. Since the music stand was made of metal, he suffered abrasions on his face. He cursed himself for his carelessness but still carries on reading aloud to my mother every night."
Jun 20, 2010
A love story
Love at first sight is romantic but may not hold a candle to love that lasts a lifetime & is for better or for worse
By Lee Wei Ling
An advertisement for the 'Sassy Miss 2010 Workshop Series' in The Straits Times caught my eye recently. The headline was: 'The Power of First Impressions.'
The text claimed: 'It takes just 30 seconds for your first date or prospective employer to form an everlasting impression of you. So flash your X-factor, from the way you look to the style in which you carry yourself. Come uncover all the trade secrets of image-making at this power workshop!'
I was amused. If I want to make an impression, it would be to show my competence, sincerity, pragmatism and willingness to fight for what is right. My appearance and how I carry myself are highly unlikely to make an impression in a 30-minute encounter, let alone a 30-second 'flash'.
As for assessing someone on the first encounter, it would take me at least five to 10 minutes to appraise a person. I do not base my judgment on whether the person is good-looking or how he carries himself. Instead I would focus on his facial expression and body language.
If these contradict what he says, I would be wary of him. Body language and facial expressions are rarely under voluntary control and hence are better indicators of the true intent of a person than speech.
I am fairly good at sizing up people. There have been quite a few instances when I have accurately assessed someone at the first brief encounter. But even then, I seldom depend solely on first impressions. I will reassess the person on subsequent occasions. Only if I observe certain traits repeatedly would I be confident in my assessment.
Some people do indeed judge others on the basis of first impressions. Their judgment may well be strongly influenced by the person's appearance, how well he carries himself and how eloquently he speaks. I think such people are shallow. In life, we have to interact with people; and the more accurately we judge people, the fewer mistakes we are likely to make about them.
Research on interpersonal relationships between strangers shows that physical appearance does influence first impressions. But this does not explain why people stick together in long-term relationships. Commitment is a key variable in sustaining such relationships.
The one remarkable relationship I have personally observed is the one between my father and mother. Theirs was certainly not love at first sight. Nor were looks the main factor in their mutual attraction. Rather, it was personality and intellectual compatibility.
They are not only lovers, they are also best friends. There has never been any calculation about how much each had invested in the relationship. Theirs is an unconditional love.
Before my mother suffered her first stroke in 2003, she lived her life around my father, taking care of his every need. The stroke and the resultant disability made my mother quite frail.
From that point on, my father lived his life around her. He was still in the Cabinet, first as Senior Minister and then as Minister Mentor, but he tried his best to arrange his working schedule around my mother's needs.
He also took care of her health, strongly urging her to swim daily for exercise, and supervised her complicated regime of medication. He would also measure her blood pressure several times a day, till I got in touch with Dr Ting Choon Ming who had invented a blood pressure measuring equipment that is worn like a watch. Next day, when Dr Ting came to take the watch back to analyse the recorded blood pressure, my mother said to him: 'I prefer to have my husband measure my blood pressure.'
After my mother's second stroke in 2008, she became bed-bound and could no longer accompany my father on his travels overseas or to social functions here. Every night after returning home from work, my father now spends about two hours telling my mother about his day and reading aloud her favourite poems to her.
The poetry books are rather thick and heavy, so he uses a heavy-duty music stand to place the books. One night, he was so sleepy, he fell asleep while reading to my mother, slumped forward and hit his face against the music stand. Since the music stand was made of metal, he suffered abrasions on his face. He cursed himself for his carelessness but still carries on reading aloud to my mother every night.
I have always known my father was fearless, willing to fight to the bitter end for Singapore. When Vietnam fell in 1975, it looked for a while as though the domino hypothesis - which held that other South-east Asian states would also fall to the communists like dominoes - might turn out to be true. My father knew how ruthless the communists were, but he was determined to stay on in Singapore, and my mother was just as determined to stay on by his side.
I began this article because I was reading an article in a psychological journal on 'love at first sight versus love for a lifetime, for better or for worse'.
Love at first sight is rare and often does not endure. The affection my parents have for each other is also rare. They are each other's soul mates; their happy marriage has lasted beyond their diamond anniversary.
But they have never made a show of being a loving couple in public. Even in private, they have rarely demonstrated their love for each other with hugs or kisses. It was only after my mother's second stroke that I saw my father kiss my mother on her forehead to comfort her. They don't seem to feel the need for a dramatic physical show of love.
I have great admiration for what my father has done for Singapore - and at age 87, he is still promoting Singapore's interests. But he being the first-born son in a Peranakan family, I would not have suspected him to have been capable of such devotion as he has shown for my mother, taking care of her so painstakingly. My admiration for him has increased manifold because I have watched him look after my mother so devotedly over the last two painful years.
The writer is director of the National Neuroscience Institute. Send your comments to suntimes@sph.com.sg
LET ME LET GO
I love this song. It speaks to my soul.. and Faith Hill is sooo beautiful! It's truly truly hard to let go of someone that you love so deeply, even though the person is with someone else. That's why I know what the singer means when she sings, "let me let go"..
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Finally time for MYSELF
It certainly takes getting used to. What I'm referring to is spending Saturdays alone. For years when my kids were younger, I spent it fetching them to classes and back, or giving tuition to supplement the family income, doing chores or helping them with their schoolwork. But now, I realised those days are over. Yes I still had lunch and dinner with them today, but my whole morning and afternoon was spent on my own. At first it felt weird, esp when I went for my inline skating and there were mostly families there. After lunch with my kids, I went to the library and then gym. On my way there, I passed hordes of families with young kids, giving me a sense of nostalgia as I recalled how I used to be like them, bringing my kids to library, classes, lunch and shopping.
But then I told myself - I was also harried and occupied with the needs of my kids then. I never had the luxury of spending time with myself and enjoying a leisurely Saturday doing the things I love to do. So now that my kids are grown up and more independent, I'm now free to explore my own interests.
I borrowed a book, "Lizard" by Banana Yoshimoto, that I couldn't stop reading all the way on the train to the Hougang gym. It's a compilation of short stories that are really mesmerising in an artful and simple way. Recalling the motivating words by a gym goer 2 weeks ago, I went at my workout with a vengeance. Let me tell you what this gym goer said. He's my age but looks in his mid-thirties. He competed in the Nationals when he was in his 20s and was even a trainer at Gold's Gym in the eighties? Anyway we chatted at the gym and what he said revolutionized my attitude towards body building. I told him how reluctant I was to train 'harder' due to a fear of looking too muscular for a woman and some of my female colleagues have even commented on my 'muscles'. I told him I don't want to look unfeminine. When he heard that, he snorted and told me that women who dun weight-train may look slim and shapely still in their 20s and 30s, but when they reach their late 30s or 40s, even if they manage to keep slim, they are not fit and strong, so they get sick easily or may even contract critical illnesses like heart problems, diabete, high blood pressure, etc. "Then they will come looking for you for advice!" Which is true. Quite a few of my colleagues and friends who are in their 30s or older have asked me how I managed to keep so fit and healthy for my age.
Anyway his advice is - not to bother about these people who dun know the benefits of exercise, but to focus on standing out from the 'crowd' by being a fit and healthy model. He said only people who exercise, like him, will appreciate women who have fit and toned bodies. Men and women who dun exercise get intimidated, that's why they criticize but they are the ones who lose out in the end when they fall ill or put on weight. After I heard that, I actually felt proud of my muscles, haha! I know they dun make me any less of a woman, just look at the makeover pics i took. I still look feminine, don't I? But more importantly, I feel fit and healthy! That's better than any compliment!
On the way back, I bought a Baby-G sports watch cos my Nike one is falling apart. Check it out :
Can't wait to use it once my Nike watch falls apart totally. Still can wear it but I figure not for long...
Dinner with my kids at Flaming Grills was fabulous. I ordered my favourite Grilled Dory with Cowboy beans and Grilled Corn cob. We had a great time joking and laughing. I realise that this phase of my life isn't so bad after all. Instead of feeling lonely, I should actually focus on getting to know myself and enriching my life with hobbies that I enjoy. I'm looking forward already to my swimming tmr nite with my sports buddy, and inline-skating on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday with my skating buddies and gym on Wednesday n Saturday !
But then I told myself - I was also harried and occupied with the needs of my kids then. I never had the luxury of spending time with myself and enjoying a leisurely Saturday doing the things I love to do. So now that my kids are grown up and more independent, I'm now free to explore my own interests.
I borrowed a book, "Lizard" by Banana Yoshimoto, that I couldn't stop reading all the way on the train to the Hougang gym. It's a compilation of short stories that are really mesmerising in an artful and simple way. Recalling the motivating words by a gym goer 2 weeks ago, I went at my workout with a vengeance. Let me tell you what this gym goer said. He's my age but looks in his mid-thirties. He competed in the Nationals when he was in his 20s and was even a trainer at Gold's Gym in the eighties? Anyway we chatted at the gym and what he said revolutionized my attitude towards body building. I told him how reluctant I was to train 'harder' due to a fear of looking too muscular for a woman and some of my female colleagues have even commented on my 'muscles'. I told him I don't want to look unfeminine. When he heard that, he snorted and told me that women who dun weight-train may look slim and shapely still in their 20s and 30s, but when they reach their late 30s or 40s, even if they manage to keep slim, they are not fit and strong, so they get sick easily or may even contract critical illnesses like heart problems, diabete, high blood pressure, etc. "Then they will come looking for you for advice!" Which is true. Quite a few of my colleagues and friends who are in their 30s or older have asked me how I managed to keep so fit and healthy for my age.
Anyway his advice is - not to bother about these people who dun know the benefits of exercise, but to focus on standing out from the 'crowd' by being a fit and healthy model. He said only people who exercise, like him, will appreciate women who have fit and toned bodies. Men and women who dun exercise get intimidated, that's why they criticize but they are the ones who lose out in the end when they fall ill or put on weight. After I heard that, I actually felt proud of my muscles, haha! I know they dun make me any less of a woman, just look at the makeover pics i took. I still look feminine, don't I? But more importantly, I feel fit and healthy! That's better than any compliment!
On the way back, I bought a Baby-G sports watch cos my Nike one is falling apart. Check it out :
Can't wait to use it once my Nike watch falls apart totally. Still can wear it but I figure not for long...
Dinner with my kids at Flaming Grills was fabulous. I ordered my favourite Grilled Dory with Cowboy beans and Grilled Corn cob. We had a great time joking and laughing. I realise that this phase of my life isn't so bad after all. Instead of feeling lonely, I should actually focus on getting to know myself and enriching my life with hobbies that I enjoy. I'm looking forward already to my swimming tmr nite with my sports buddy, and inline-skating on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday with my skating buddies and gym on Wednesday n Saturday !
Friday, June 18, 2010
Yaki-Udon
Well tonite I cooked Yakiudon with prawns. It's a simple but delicious Japanese stir-fry dish. Wanted to take a pic of it but was too hungry ...Next time i cook it, i'd post it here. Anyway the recipe is simple :
Prawns, marinated in teriyaki sauce
shredded cabbage
shredded carrot
Udon noodles
Dashi stock powder
Mirin
Sake
Soy sauce
Sesame oil
sugar
Chilli padis to serve
Fry the cabbage and carrot over high heat for a few minutes. Remove and then saute prawns till half cooked. Stir in udon noodles and the rest of the seasonings. Add a bit of water and stir in the vegetables. Fry till prawns are cooked. Season with chilli padi.
I learnt this dish 10 years ago from a friend who went overseas to study and worked in a japanese restaurant. It's one dish my kids always loved.
Prawns, marinated in teriyaki sauce
shredded cabbage
shredded carrot
Udon noodles
Dashi stock powder
Mirin
Sake
Soy sauce
Sesame oil
sugar
Chilli padis to serve
Fry the cabbage and carrot over high heat for a few minutes. Remove and then saute prawns till half cooked. Stir in udon noodles and the rest of the seasonings. Add a bit of water and stir in the vegetables. Fry till prawns are cooked. Season with chilli padi.
I learnt this dish 10 years ago from a friend who went overseas to study and worked in a japanese restaurant. It's one dish my kids always loved.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Passed Level One!
Hooray, I've passed my Skating Level One in a week and going on to Level 2 on Saturday! Each time I skate, I form a vision of myself skating happily in East Coast or Bishan Park, with other skaters and enjoying myself. I realise visualisation is a very powerful tool. I want to stop fearing certain things in the future and start looking forward to things I'm in control of - such as learning to skate. I intend to pick up ice skating in December so I can also skate at ice-rinks. I want to be a good skater before I turn 47. That's my most immediate goal. Of coz my ultimate dream is to own a restaurant overseas. Somehow I feel it in my bones that it will come true cos I keep dreaming of myself in a big landed house, being with people I do not know and of myself cooking as well..
For the love of reading
My first love was books. When I was young, I would disappear into the fantasy worlds created by others for hours and hours, reading up to 3 books a day. It was my only way to escape the drudgery of my real life. Now, I find myself longing for a good read again.. The Mermaid's Chair. I read it last yr and since then, the story has been haunting me, esp excerpts from the book, cos they relate so well to how i was feeling then. It's a story about a married woman, Jessie, who got restless and wanted to search for meaning in her boring married life. She took a temporary separation from him and went to an island to visit her mother and fell in love with a monk there. This monk is not an ordinary monk. His wife had died some time ago, and devastation with that disaster had brought him to the island to seek peace with God. He thought he would never be able to love again, but when he met this woman, he fell for her and they had an affair..
"I stepped toward him, close enough to smell the saltiness coming from his chest, the damp circles under his arms. Light blazed up in the blue of his eyes. He reached out and pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me...I closed my eyes and put my mouth at the opening of his shirt, let my lips open and close on his skin, tasting the flesh at the hollow of his throat, the taste of heat. I unfastened each small white button and kissed the skin beneath it. The wooden cross dangled over his breastbone, and I had to move it to one side in order to kiss the bone's small arch...When I reached the button tucked inside his belt, I tugged his shirt out of his jeans and kept unbuttoning until he stood with his shirt wide open, a soft wind lifting the edges of it. He leaned over and kissed me. His mouth tasted like wine, left over from mass... He led me into the flecked light of the hermitage,took off his shirt and spread it on the ground, then undressed me, lifting the T-shirt over my head, unsnapping my khakis, pulling them into a puddle around my ankles. I stepped out of them and stood in my light blue panties and matching bra and let him stare at me. He looked first at my indentation of my waist, that curve where it flares out to my hips, then glanced back at my face for a moment before letting his eyes wander to my breasts, then downward toward my thighs... I stood unmoving, but there was an avalanche going on - an entire history sliding away... He said, "I can't believe how beautiful you are. " I started to say , No, no, I'm not, but stopped myself. Instead I unhooked my bra and let it fall down next to his cross..."
But when the husband, Hugh, came to look for her about an incident concerning her mom, he awoke to reality and realised he could not go on .."He wanted to concentrate his distress on how upset Jessie must be over her mother, and yet he stood before the television and could not keep himself from imagining her with Hugh. In the kitchen with a glass of wine, the solacing embrace, telling small jokes to break the agony - the myraid ways Hugh might comfort her. He felt frightened by the lifetime of small, secret rituals that they must've shared at moments like this, the magnitude of such things. The man is her husband, he told himself. For the love of God, he's her husband. "
Now for the husband's perspective (sorry i'm not sympathetic towards him at all) -
"His wife stood in her mother's island home in South Carolina and calmly told him the name of her lover. "His name is Brother Thomas, " she said..
For a moment Hugh stared at the drops of bathwater sliding along the neck toward the opening of her robe. Her hair was wet and plastered back from her face. He watched how she took a deep breath with her mouth open and let her gaze drop.
They were in the doorway of her brother's old room, and he reached out and placed his hands on the doorjamb. He watched her without any pain at all, stood protected and benumbed in the last few seconds of a dying illusion, the truth flying toward him with the speed of an arrow, but not yet there. It allowed him to see her one last time before the tip gashed into him and everything changed. What he thought standing there was how beautiful she looked with the bathwater still netted on her skin, running in drops between her breasts. How beautiful.
His name is Brother Thomas.
She had said it with complete candor and matter-of-factness as if she were telling him the name of her dentist.
Then it slammed into him - more pain than he'd known in his life. It rocked him backward on his heels, as if there had been a blast of wind. He went on holding the sides of the door, wondering if he might be having an attack of angina. The power of the feeling was crushing."
"I stepped toward him, close enough to smell the saltiness coming from his chest, the damp circles under his arms. Light blazed up in the blue of his eyes. He reached out and pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me...I closed my eyes and put my mouth at the opening of his shirt, let my lips open and close on his skin, tasting the flesh at the hollow of his throat, the taste of heat. I unfastened each small white button and kissed the skin beneath it. The wooden cross dangled over his breastbone, and I had to move it to one side in order to kiss the bone's small arch...When I reached the button tucked inside his belt, I tugged his shirt out of his jeans and kept unbuttoning until he stood with his shirt wide open, a soft wind lifting the edges of it. He leaned over and kissed me. His mouth tasted like wine, left over from mass... He led me into the flecked light of the hermitage,took off his shirt and spread it on the ground, then undressed me, lifting the T-shirt over my head, unsnapping my khakis, pulling them into a puddle around my ankles. I stepped out of them and stood in my light blue panties and matching bra and let him stare at me. He looked first at my indentation of my waist, that curve where it flares out to my hips, then glanced back at my face for a moment before letting his eyes wander to my breasts, then downward toward my thighs... I stood unmoving, but there was an avalanche going on - an entire history sliding away... He said, "I can't believe how beautiful you are. " I started to say , No, no, I'm not, but stopped myself. Instead I unhooked my bra and let it fall down next to his cross..."
But when the husband, Hugh, came to look for her about an incident concerning her mom, he awoke to reality and realised he could not go on .."He wanted to concentrate his distress on how upset Jessie must be over her mother, and yet he stood before the television and could not keep himself from imagining her with Hugh. In the kitchen with a glass of wine, the solacing embrace, telling small jokes to break the agony - the myraid ways Hugh might comfort her. He felt frightened by the lifetime of small, secret rituals that they must've shared at moments like this, the magnitude of such things. The man is her husband, he told himself. For the love of God, he's her husband. "
Now for the husband's perspective (sorry i'm not sympathetic towards him at all) -
"His wife stood in her mother's island home in South Carolina and calmly told him the name of her lover. "His name is Brother Thomas, " she said..
For a moment Hugh stared at the drops of bathwater sliding along the neck toward the opening of her robe. Her hair was wet and plastered back from her face. He watched how she took a deep breath with her mouth open and let her gaze drop.
They were in the doorway of her brother's old room, and he reached out and placed his hands on the doorjamb. He watched her without any pain at all, stood protected and benumbed in the last few seconds of a dying illusion, the truth flying toward him with the speed of an arrow, but not yet there. It allowed him to see her one last time before the tip gashed into him and everything changed. What he thought standing there was how beautiful she looked with the bathwater still netted on her skin, running in drops between her breasts. How beautiful.
His name is Brother Thomas.
She had said it with complete candor and matter-of-factness as if she were telling him the name of her dentist.
Then it slammed into him - more pain than he'd known in his life. It rocked him backward on his heels, as if there had been a blast of wind. He went on holding the sides of the door, wondering if he might be having an attack of angina. The power of the feeling was crushing."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Skating is really IN
Feeling so high and thrilled even after 2 hours of skating! This is my second lesson and it's soo fun, esp after I got my new skates and helmet. Check them out! The skates made me go like the wind! Even two of the students who were grown up men also learning to skate, were amazed and said "How come you can skate so fast?!" I smiled and pointed to my new skates. They looked at their old rental skates and shook their heads.. Later I saw one of them buying a new pair after the lesson too, haha! They said, "After we see you skate, we can't take it, gotta spend $$ on a new pair, man!" Well my skates set me back by $279 and the helmet and protective gear about $80 but it SURE IS WORTH EVERY CENT! I'm really looking forward to my next lesson tmr! I cancelled my Saturday tuition just to learn skating, woohoo! No point earning so much $ when you can't enjoy it rite? Well I'm set on spending the rest of this holiday learning it well. I intend to go next Tuesday, Thursday, Friday AND Saturday too!!! My ultimate goal is to be able to skate well and go skating in East Coast and join the skating community there. I'm hoping to meet more sports-minded ppl there and have fun on my Saturday mornings, once I stop my tuition end of October. I even hear there are skating groups on Friday nites!! That's MY idea of TGIF nite out!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I Look To You
This is the video I watched on CG last nite. It brought tears to my eyes immediately, though I can't really hear what she's singing. It's the spirit behind the song that touched me, just like the sermon that my pastor's wife spoke months ago. I wasn't really listening to what she was preaching but the words were like a paring knife, taking away the masks I have put over my heart. Whitney came back cos she found God, just like me..
For years, my heart ached whenever I see men caring for their wives and taking good care of their children. It ached even more when I see couples holding hands..whenever I hear my friends having a happy married life, going on holidays....and here i was, slaving away for my family but feeling so empty and unloved... I turned to the wrong channels and realised it wasn't admirers or flattery that could fill the void. I spent hours working out to get a fit and toned body that 'men would kill for' ...but i was still empty and unhappy despite getting hits at the pool and gym..
Then where can I find the happiness I so desperately look for??
Happiness cannot be in the form of a sexy body cos once that is gone due to illness or age, the happiness is gone too..
Happiness cannot be in the form of a pretty face cos that will also go with age...
Happiness cannot be in the form of a happy marriage cos that cannot be guaranteed...
Happiness cannot be in the form of a man cos his heart can change...
Happiness cannot be in the form of a car cos it will soon rust and break down...
Happiness cannot be in the form of children cos they grow up and fly away from the nest..
Happiness cannot be in the form of a career either cos you can be retrenched or the company can close down...
I have found my happiness in God. His mercy, His unconditional love, His grace and His forgiveness.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
When the Going Gets Tough..
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
~ Unknown
"Saints are sinners who kept on going."
~ Robert Louis Stevenson
"If you are going through hell, keep going."
~ Winston Churchill
"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about."
~ Unknown
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.
David Burns, Intimate Connections
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Metamorphosis
One hectic week over and so thankful for my colleagues and work place. It's truly blessed with the spirit of kindness and humility. After two years and half of knowing them, I realise I have come to the point where I actually will miss them during this holiday! I hardly think of my ex-colleagues now, even though I still keep in touch sporadically with one or two of them. This shows how we will adapt to changes even though they seem so hard in the beginning. There's a saying in Chinese - that the beginning is always the hardest! Yes, I'm finding this period of change in my life very very hard but I'm determined to pull through it. Like a butterfly that struggles out of the pupa, I hope I'd emerge a better person.
I'm going ahead with some drastic changes in my life and schedule and I know it will be hard to adapt but with prayer and determination, I know I WILL make it. I believe in myself. I know what I want and need now. Hopefully by the end of the year, I'd look back on this period and smile cos what did not kill me only made me stronger. This whole month since the beginning of May has been one of the DARKEST periods in my life. I don't remember crying so much in a long time. Thank God for my good friends like Anita, Rosiah and last, but not least, God Himself for being there and believing in me when I needed them most. Yes, I'm not perfect but I know my heart has never meant evil. I will never forget the verse: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalms 23:4. I've been clinging on to that verse in my heart..
Went for a really good run just now at 8 pm after preparing dinner, listening to my ipod as I ran around bishan. In fact I've been listening to the songs by Casting Crowns over n over again on my ipod all this while. I can't get enough of listening about God's mercy and love for me.
Looking forward to my three weeks of holidays. It's going to be HECTIC - but one thing for sure, I won't stop believing in myself, in God and in my friends who have stood by me. I will continue to exercise and keep my body toned and fit. Forget about sexy! Wat I'd attract are probably wolves that will tear me apart haha. Wat I want is a healthy and fit body to take care of my family, work to bring home the bacon and to serve God. I'm going to go to the gym n pool more often where I can see ppl working out for motivation. Also can't wait to wear my new wardrobe of new clothes, bags n shoes that I bought over the last 2 weekends. Really good retail therapy! Well I'm not done yet - still need to get a new casual watch to match my new wardrobe! By the end of the year, I'd also have done some cosmetic procedures to my face and body to improve my looks so that I'd feel more confident. But what's more important than outer beauty is.. INNER beauty. That's about love, grace, commitment, sacrifice and understanding. Cheers!
I'm going ahead with some drastic changes in my life and schedule and I know it will be hard to adapt but with prayer and determination, I know I WILL make it. I believe in myself. I know what I want and need now. Hopefully by the end of the year, I'd look back on this period and smile cos what did not kill me only made me stronger. This whole month since the beginning of May has been one of the DARKEST periods in my life. I don't remember crying so much in a long time. Thank God for my good friends like Anita, Rosiah and last, but not least, God Himself for being there and believing in me when I needed them most. Yes, I'm not perfect but I know my heart has never meant evil. I will never forget the verse: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalms 23:4. I've been clinging on to that verse in my heart..
Went for a really good run just now at 8 pm after preparing dinner, listening to my ipod as I ran around bishan. In fact I've been listening to the songs by Casting Crowns over n over again on my ipod all this while. I can't get enough of listening about God's mercy and love for me.
Looking forward to my three weeks of holidays. It's going to be HECTIC - but one thing for sure, I won't stop believing in myself, in God and in my friends who have stood by me. I will continue to exercise and keep my body toned and fit. Forget about sexy! Wat I'd attract are probably wolves that will tear me apart haha. Wat I want is a healthy and fit body to take care of my family, work to bring home the bacon and to serve God. I'm going to go to the gym n pool more often where I can see ppl working out for motivation. Also can't wait to wear my new wardrobe of new clothes, bags n shoes that I bought over the last 2 weekends. Really good retail therapy! Well I'm not done yet - still need to get a new casual watch to match my new wardrobe! By the end of the year, I'd also have done some cosmetic procedures to my face and body to improve my looks so that I'd feel more confident. But what's more important than outer beauty is.. INNER beauty. That's about love, grace, commitment, sacrifice and understanding. Cheers!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Bowling & Gym - all in a day!
Who's so crazy to go to the gym after 3 hours of bowling? ME @@ hahaha.. I can't believe bowling is that fun. Was feeling so blue but it really drove away the blues and not only that, I kinda got hooked to the high of scoring a strike! Halfway through it, I went to take down the rates and hours for bowling. I'm definitely going back bowling this holidays..
Been going through so much emotionally that I honestly HAD to go to the gym to work out even though it's all the way to Hougang. If I NEEDED to see ppl working out in order to motivate myself, then you know it's BAD. Yes, if I had not forced myself to go to the gym, I'd be flat on the floor, not physically knocked out but emotionally. No, I must not give in to another session of crying. So I showered and literally flew out of the door..but forgot to put the laundry into the machine!
Seeing familiar faces greet you and smile at you was so uplifting that I did a whole hour of workout. But a nagging pain in my left calf really bothered me. It's the same muscle that got torn last year. Oh gosh I really hope it won't tear again! Must take care with my exercise the next few weeks..
Have you ever wondered if it's worth carrying on a relationship when you feel there's no trust or connection anymore? Well i ask myself that everyday. It comes to the point I feel so emotionally drained that I have to 'shut down' for a few days to restore my confidence and faith in myself again. I only wish I can erase the past, go back to the beginning where we first knew each other.. But I have to be realistic. Other problems will crop up, even if I manage to start all over again. What bothers me is ... when I relate something from the past, it's never accurate cos I'm choosing words to describe it and if the words chosen are misinterpreted by the listener, then the message I want to convey is gone. I only wish I don't have to speak but just let the person look into my heart.. It's so painful to have to relate something I'd rather forget. Maybe that's also why I feel so emotionally drained lately..
But what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I tell myself that over and over again lately.. cos I really need to be strong. Even as I type this, I'm feeling better cos I know I'm able to pull through this. I know the truth will come out one day. I need not have to defend myself cos words always come across wrongly, but actions won't.
I've resolved to go bowling, gym, swimming and cycling whenever I feel down. Hey if I feel lousy a lot, I'd work out a lot and in the end I still win rite? Haha.. not a bad deal. i do feel proud of my toned and strong body, now just have to build up my emotional strength too :=) Thinking of my strong points and the good moments in my life makes it so much bearable. I'm praying for some bear-hugs, tender words and love to come my way soon too...
Too tired to think anymore.. Just looking forward to the swim tmr nite after my tuition. Gotta pack everything in the morning so its back to back - from school to tuition to pool and home only at 9.30! Now I'm wishing for more days like that, so i don't have time to think haha
Been going through so much emotionally that I honestly HAD to go to the gym to work out even though it's all the way to Hougang. If I NEEDED to see ppl working out in order to motivate myself, then you know it's BAD. Yes, if I had not forced myself to go to the gym, I'd be flat on the floor, not physically knocked out but emotionally. No, I must not give in to another session of crying. So I showered and literally flew out of the door..but forgot to put the laundry into the machine!
Seeing familiar faces greet you and smile at you was so uplifting that I did a whole hour of workout. But a nagging pain in my left calf really bothered me. It's the same muscle that got torn last year. Oh gosh I really hope it won't tear again! Must take care with my exercise the next few weeks..
Have you ever wondered if it's worth carrying on a relationship when you feel there's no trust or connection anymore? Well i ask myself that everyday. It comes to the point I feel so emotionally drained that I have to 'shut down' for a few days to restore my confidence and faith in myself again. I only wish I can erase the past, go back to the beginning where we first knew each other.. But I have to be realistic. Other problems will crop up, even if I manage to start all over again. What bothers me is ... when I relate something from the past, it's never accurate cos I'm choosing words to describe it and if the words chosen are misinterpreted by the listener, then the message I want to convey is gone. I only wish I don't have to speak but just let the person look into my heart.. It's so painful to have to relate something I'd rather forget. Maybe that's also why I feel so emotionally drained lately..
But what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I tell myself that over and over again lately.. cos I really need to be strong. Even as I type this, I'm feeling better cos I know I'm able to pull through this. I know the truth will come out one day. I need not have to defend myself cos words always come across wrongly, but actions won't.
I've resolved to go bowling, gym, swimming and cycling whenever I feel down. Hey if I feel lousy a lot, I'd work out a lot and in the end I still win rite? Haha.. not a bad deal. i do feel proud of my toned and strong body, now just have to build up my emotional strength too :=) Thinking of my strong points and the good moments in my life makes it so much bearable. I'm praying for some bear-hugs, tender words and love to come my way soon too...
Too tired to think anymore.. Just looking forward to the swim tmr nite after my tuition. Gotta pack everything in the morning so its back to back - from school to tuition to pool and home only at 9.30! Now I'm wishing for more days like that, so i don't have time to think haha
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