The opposite of pain

Ok I'd be honest here.. I'm still bleeding inside despite the smiles and cheerful facade. Especially when I go places where I've been with him or see couples hugging n kissing.. My heart will just ache. I'm trying to keep as busy as I can n do as much sports as possible to stop myself from hurting but my heart continues to beat and bleed..6 yrs of love..well one moment I'd be thankful n understanding abt his decision..but the next moment I find myself feeling the pain again. What is the opposite of pain, I wonder? Cos I know one won't feel courage unless one has felt fear, nor happiness unless one has been sad before... Perhaps I'd find more joy after all this pain? I swear I'd never break up with anyone who loves me even abit, ever again. I won't wish this pain even on my worst enemy!

Much better than before!

For the past month, every morn when I wake up, I log into New Creation website to read the daily devotional.. Today the verse says :

Isaiah 61:7
7Instead of your shame you shall have double honor, and instead of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double; everlasting joy shall be theirs.

Wow! I can't wait to see how that will be but I'm already seeing some evidence.. somehow for the past wk many ppl have been commenting on how much younger I look. Well I believe God will renew everything, including my youth. I'm going to get rid of all the clothes, lingerie, shoes, bags n jewelry I wore in the past. I've already cleaned out half my wardrobe. This weekend I'd continue my shopping to revamp my whole image. I don't want anything that is associated with the past. I'd be working out and getting fitter and if that means a shapelier figure then it's for my own pleasure n not to please anyone. I'd fill my new wardrobe with clothes that I like!

One of the best swims ever...

Just had one of my best swims ever. Hit secOnd wind at the 5th lap n it was turbo all the way to the 20th lap! Swimming has really helped me get over the last month..t first 2 wks I was crying n swimming..but after the swim I felt so much better.. Well no more tears..cos I've finally found the strength from God to accept it n move on...I'm a different person now, more optimistic, forgiving and softer..

Looking forward to my third swim for this wk on Sat. For the rest of the next few wks including Sep hols, I'd be really tied up with so much activities that I really hope I'd hv time to breathe!! Like bowling, golf n cycling.. Even badminton sessions at sch with the pupils after their exams.. Teacher's day dinner is gonna be another gr8 event to look forward to.

My new philosophy is - believe in myself and see myself the way God sees me. I feel so much stronger with Him on my side. I was so close to wanting to end it all just a few wks ago but now I focus on myself n start anew. I'd always treasure the memories n the times when I was so loved n needed..but now I need to love n believe in myself more than ever as I move on ... I'm sure I'd find love again but i'm not ready now for any new r/s. Before that happens, I want to have enough love to give away too. That's why I'm turning down phone calls n dates to focus on strengthening my faith in God.. . A breakup can really shake one's confidence but in the long run it will make one stronger... Most impt, from my experience, is not to deny the pain but go thru it like I did and remember these two sayings, "it's always darkest before dawn." and "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger."

Only love can break a heart and only love can heal it

True beauty can only be seen and felt with the mind and heart. What the eyes see, the mind gets tired of it soon enough. But when the heart feels it, that is when it blows the mind!

Only love can break a heart.. And only love can heal it... Now that I know what true love and beauty is, I'm holding on with tears of gratitude. How is it I was so blind?

Hello to the new slimmer me!

Wore one of my new dresses to town yesterday and from the number of appreciative looks I got, I know I was looking good in it! I really love the new slimmer me! Had a great shopping trip in town n came back like a Tai-tai, hehe, armed with shopping bags! Finally got my Aisics!! Sportiv 360@wheelock is having a sale n I got two pairs. But even if it wasn't a sale, I would have bought the shoes at full price cos I believe I deserve good stuff at even the full price. Check them out! I wore the white n blue running shoes for a run yesterday nite n I felt like I was running on air. In my opinion, Aisics is better than Nike! The black one is for my daily school use. Can't wait to wear them tmr.





Feeling like a million dollars! Well I'm worth more than that. Cooked prawn aglio after all the shopping and my family ate it with their thumbs up! I had to give up my share and still they were scraping the pan, haha. Though I only ate a bowl of cereal for dinner, I went to bed in my newly renovated bedroom, exhausted but so happy and full!

Yes, I've finally decided to leave the past behind and all its unhappiness and embrace a new happier future. I woke up this morning, smiling and filled with hope and anticipation for my future. I have a new bunch of crazy but lovable buddies, a new sport (golf) and a new look! Waiting for my hair dresser to come back from his holiday to give me a new hair style! It's a new me with a new purpose, new heart and new spirit! Even my pupils at school are loving the new me - they flock around me even during recess and say "teacher, why are u in such a good mood nowadays?" My colleagues are beginning to complain that they can't stand the endless stream of pupils coming to look for me at my table, haha...

Thank God for all the pain I've just been through, cos it makes me appreciate the happiness I'm feeling now!

Love being a woman

I love being a woman!! Bought 4 lovely dresses that really looked good. Must be due to the extra weight gone. The salesgal remarked that I've lost a lot of weight but it's only 2 to 3 kilos really. Anyway, the pain is still there, just as bad. But what doesn't kill u makes u stronger. I tell myself that I can't help losing someone due to whatever reason, whether looks, age or personality, but I can control how I feel about myself. I've decided to feel good and look as good as I can for my age. I really don't know how much longer is my time left on this earth so I want to live it happily with no regrets and bitterness. Not going to be easy but a journey of a thousand miles begins with a few steps. So one hour, one day at a time..who knows what tmr will bring? Though my heart is breaking, it's still beating n I'm thankful for that!

Makan@Turf City

Look at the lovely food and my lovely buddies! I just lurve them. Too bad I din have much of an appetite still..had a very bad migraine that day. Well at least they all ate my share!!











We were planning get-togethers like pubbing, holidaying and makan sessions... looking forward to it all... Life is to be lived with friends and loved ones, right?

Revamping in progress

Strangely enough, last Monday was also the start of a new relationship with a group of my colleagues. They started this chat group n since last Monday we've been chatting online even off work. Suddenly we just became so close that we even call each other darling n love. It includes the new guy who just joined us n I must say he's a really sweet chap after disliking him at first. Today we all chatted online for hours n had lots of fun. Tmr we have a sports event and after that we are all going for lunch tog at Turf City... It's going to be a wacky Fun afternoon n I'm really looking forward to it. After that I'm changing n going to town to shop till I drop! Buying new clothes, lingerie, shoes, bags, makeup n jewelry. Retail therapy!! Round off the day with a good swim! Oh I also realised I've achieved my goal of hitting below 50 kg finally. I'm now 48 kg!!! 3 kg lighter! Looking at myself in the new full length mirror in my underwear just now, I was amazed how much slimmer I've become. I hv even got a 4 pack..not bad, I must admit. At least now my muscles are more defined now that my fats are less too..

Revamping in progress...looking forward n making the most of the rest of my life cos I do not know how long that is gonna be. No point crying over the past...God is with me n I hv nothing I lack. My future is bright n I'd love n be loved, Amen!

Forever

Day 7. Pain is just as bad, if not worse. Realized this feeling is forever. No way can I ever forget. So just bear with the pain n try to be happy that he's happier without me. Life will go on. I hv to be strong for my kids n friends. Just like how I made it thru my dad leaving the family n a Malay guy who left me after .. Well anyway the impt thing I'm reminding myself now is I made it thru somehow.

Well today Pastor prince said: ppl who are loved love, ppl who are forgiven forgive. I bear no grudges, only more love as I realised how much I missed him. I just want him to be happy n im willing to do anything for him, even give up my organs or life. When he called me one nite that he had an accident n needed a lift back, I remember I dropped all my plans that evening n drove down to pick him up n drive him home. I knew he could hv called a cab but it was the moral support he needed.

For me, I'm just so fortunate to hv met him. I'm thankful for all he's done for me. He has impacted my life so greatly that it will take forever to forget him. So That means i'd think and love him forever, no matter what happens. Forever.

/\/\/\_______________________

Soooo tired after all the cleaning. The renovation is 95% completed. UnPacking the stuff back into the cupboards takes more time than packing them. So much stuff to throw away too...

Focussing on finding new strength n new direction.. Next step is to revamp my image. Change. Hairstyle, look n goals. I think that will help me cope better with the pain. Guess I was just too plain n boring but from tmr, I'd work towards being more confident n bold. No point dwelling on the past n hoping against hope. The old Christine is dead.

I dunno what I wanna do yet but I know I have to find a way to overcome this pain. Can't continue crying over spilt milk. If a door is closed, then perhaps I'd hv to find another way out..

Life support machine

I'm dead but kept alive on a life support machine. When the plug is finally pulled, I'd be at peace. Now I really understand why ppl take their lives after their loved ones leave them. The pain is too much to bear.

Letting go ...

When you really love someone, you let them go. It's such a popular saying but sooo hard to do. What I want now so much so much is to be in his arms and tell him and show him how much I love and need him. It's tearing me apart. I think my heart is simply bleeding to death. But God who loves me is sustaining me with surprises and good news. Yesterday when I was crying all day, I cried out to God - Please hold me cos I can't go on. I don't have the strength. I just wanted to die...the pain is soo bad that I just wanted to tear out my hurting heart and leave this world. God, take me home, please! I can't bear it anymore. I can't. Then out of nowhere my friend came up to me and put her hands around me and said "I'm so sad but I'm glad u're here." She gave me a hug! I mean, who's really sad here! SO i said I'm sad too but she just ignored me and continued hugging me. I could not believe it but she really cheered me up without knowing it. Then I walked back to my table and discovered another piece of good news regarding my work. My school canteen passed the third assessment! It's something I'm in charge of, so I was so relieved n happy. Finally felt a bit of appetite and went to the canteen where the canteen operators cheered me up with their rowdy talk. Then I got another piece of good news - Golf lessons extended to TWO hours on Wednesdays! Ahh, at least I've got sports to keep me company on Wednesday... And last nite, I managed to sleep all the way through and woke up exactly 5 min before my alarm rang. I knew God gave me a good sleep and I felt so refreshed...

Today it was a crazy busy day ..tears continued to well up in my eyes every few mins and I guess it's due to the breaking heart. Then my work buddies suddenly called me over, not even realising how sad I was, and asked me to go out pubbing on Friday nite, just after I called out to God "I don't think I can survive this week!"

I still don't know if I can but I'm just letting go and letting God take over. I really feel like just taking my own life and ending all the misery but I know I can't do that...I've to live for my kids...and just now, when I was taking a lift home in my wacky colleague's car, don't know why she suddenly said this "Christine! I like you very much and when u go for the PE course next year, I'd miss you like crazy!" I left her car with tears in my eyes, cos if only she knows how hard it is to just make it through each day without him..

To me he is the most gorgeous guy in all the world and even seeing his text on msn thrills me and makes my hands shiver still, even after 6 years!! How is it that I'm so hopeless at relationships?


I just hope he's happy with whoever his heart is loving now. I don't own his heart and I know there are so many younger and sweeter women out there, but I know in my heart he's the only one forever. I even went to work yesterday n today without any makeup for the first time! Heck care lah! But yet, no one noticed it and funny enough, many ppl said I looked so good and happy today, when I'm breaking up inside???!!! What the heck is going on???

Well I guess I have to learn to be more secure about myself and accept myself more. I'm going to workout like crazy cos that's what lifts me up. Two hours of golf today..tmr swim 30 laps..Friday go gym and pump iron till my arms ache!! Saturday buy a racer bike ...Sunday go cycling !

Racial Harmony Day 2011