Cinderella

My favourite fairy tale is Cinderella. Often i feel like her. As I'm elbow deep in dishwashing lather, i'd dream of my Prince Charming who'd come to sweep me off my feet and bring me away from all of this drudgery. Last week in church, I broke down and wept despite the fact tat i did NOT want to and din really focus on the message my pastor's wife was preaching. It was something in her voice - the way she spoke that just peeled away the layers of masks from my heart and the dam within me broke. I cried out to God - You know how lonely i am! Here i am - just a small small part of someone's life and yet this person is all i have emotionally.. Isn't that awful, God? I am like a dog who just have to accept the crumbs of time from this person now. I'm trying to let go but if I come back to You, God, I'd end up with NOTHING. Just like Cinderella with her stepmother n stepsisters.. Can I pray to You to bring me to someone who'd love me and cherish me? But how can You as a Holy God grant that kind of wish?? Sigh.."

I fell asleep last nite thinking of that cute guy tat said hello to me at the gym.. somehow he's like Prince charming.I fantasized about us meeting often at the gym to work out together.. But sigh..im no Cinderella and I'm sure he was just being friendly.. haizzzz.. Well ...no harm daydreaming rite.. in fact this reminds me of a song by James Blunt.. You're Beautiful but I can't be with you.. Posting the Kenny G version of it here. It's lovely...

Rewind and Restart

Whenever I'm going thru a difficult phase or problem and it's getting me down in terms of spirit and morale, I tell myself to simply do this - rewind my life back to the point BEFORE the problem started. What was I like then? Happier definitely.. and I focus on that state of mind that I used to be in. Rewind my life back to before I knew this person.. I was full of zest for life - busy with my family, work and sports but in my heart i was searching for that something to fulfil me emotionally.. Well I did meet someone but after nearly 4 years, the relationship seems to be floundering..It's difficult to go through this phase when you dunno if it's on or off. You miss the old times but there's no hope of things being as nice as before. Isn't it true that when you're in love, you'd do anything to be with the person? I remember after the times I spent together with him, I had to do my chores, my school work and my studies and sometimes I slept at 4 am and had to wake up at 5.30 am to go to school. That's why they say love is the most powerful thing in the world. It gives you the energy to do anything and you're willing to make sacrifices. Well back to the present. Well that's what keeps a relationship alive - the times spent together, the shared laughter and fun. But when one party says that the relationship is now the lowest priority in their lives, and spending time together is so scarce because of that, then how can the relationship survive? I dunno..right now i'm peeling the petals off my blue rose - on, off, on, off, on, off.. i dunno.. maybe it's better for it to be off and I start all over again with someone that has time for me? But the problem finding someone that really clicks with you and that is sooo hard..like finding a needle in a haystack.


Well so my blue rose is dying. Even if it dies, the roots are still there. That's what I remind myself. I'm a vibrant and giving person. I've so much to live and give. That was what made the relationship work in the beginning. So I rewind my life to that point and start from there again. Last night I went to the gym at Hougang stadium. First time there. I told myself - I must start afresh again and go to new places. Anyway the Bishan gym is closed for the moment due to the YOG. Wow this gym seems full of exercise-minded ppl!! There are even queues for the cardio machines!! I went to the free-weights area to work out. Crowded, very crowded. But I was determined to do a good workout. So i went to a corner, picked up a pair of dumb-bells and started working out. The people there were really serious man! I tried not to look at anyone so that I can focus on my workout. But even then I did notice that the guys here are quite hunky. Some of them look like pros! Anyway I managed to get a bench much later on and did my bench workout, oblivious to watever the guys thought or felt bout a lady working out amidst them. Well I've every rite to work out my body too, even as a lady, i have muscles that need toning! haha, of coz i was only working with 1 or 2 kg weights compared to their massive ones. Then after a good session there, I proceeded to do my abs. Always do yr abs at the end of a workout, by the way, hehe..just a tip. Went to the toilet, freshened up my face and then picked up my stuff and left the place, feeling really good again. Then on my way to the carpark, I heard someone calling me.."excuse me!" I turned around and there was this dream hunk of a guy walking towards me. I did notice him in the gym earlier - a passing glance cos he looked like a Manhunt model. He smiled and walked towards me. I thought I had left something in the gym but when he caught up with me, he extended his hand and said "Hi, I noticed you in the gym earlier. I'm Gabriel" After I intro myself, he said "Wow you're still very fit..I never noticed u here before." I explained to him that I came here cos of my kids' tuition nearby. He said "oh you're married? Wow, your kids must be good looking too, just like the mummy!" I must have blushed from head to toe. Then he asked me where I was heading. I pointed to my car and he said "oh mine's over there", pointing to a flashy red sports car. "Ok see you around then," he said, and then he walked to his car. Just imagine, I came to the gym on a low note and certainly did NOT expect this at all! I felt like Cinderella who has met her Prince Charming, hahaha!!

Gotta go now, get ready for my frens who are coming to bake banana cake. I'm also learning how to cook korean noodles from my fren. Gosh it's going to be fun fun fun! Post pictures later..

Mind, Body and Spirit

I feel good today. Woke up with a renewed zest for life. I told myself that I've so much to live for. As much as I miss my buddies who can't spend time with me anymore, nothing is gonna hold me back. I want to FIRST love and accept myself as I am. Stop comparing with other women. Hey I'm a 100% woman in my own right, for goodness sake, not any less than any other woman. I like my soft baby hair, the way it curls around my shoulders. I like my eyes - the way it sparkles when I'm happy. I'm told often that I have beautiful eyes and I can see that. I love the soft curves of my body too - a nice combination of muscle and flesh :) Oh i love how I look in low-cut dresses too - I really appreciate the size of my boobs now - not so big that they'd sag but not so small that they can't create a cleavage :) I feel totally woman today!

During my usual Saturday tuition class, I relaxed and had so much fun with my darling primary one kids. I love to tease them and play pretend games with them. I love their smiles and innocence. I love how excited they are when they are going to get biscuit/sweet treats and I love how they put effort into doing work for me. How i wish I can kiss their cherubic cheeks and hug them so tight. But i can only do that in my heart.. Oh yes i spoil them with biscuits and sweets but that's only because they are sooo lovable. I think they are truly angels in human disguise.

The four hours flew by fast and I left them munching happily on their treats. I bought economic rice with fish and vegetables from this coffee shop in front of NTUC at Bishan St 12. Lovely food or maybe i was hungry? Then after some chatting and attempt to play a Sudoku game, it was already nearly 4 pm! I rushed off to the gym and had a good intense workout - 40 mins of arms/chest on the machines and 20 mins of cardio on the elliptical. Then came back to do a Pilates-inspired back workout with my resistance band,followed by a short but also intense tummy workout on the exercise ball. What a Saturday! Had a post workout meal of milk, blueberry muffin and some cherry tomatoes ..

Going to shower now and head for the supermarket so I can get some ingredients for dinner. GOing to cook spaghetti bolognaise with button mushrooms.

What's New

Growing my hair long...let's see how it looks in a month! So far so good..

Changing the way I work out at gym- i'm using the carry-along principle...which means each workout i target a body part eg biceps and then do the rest less intensively..

Swimming in the total immersion style - thanks to Ben

Trying out new recipes..

and oh yes, i'm now available to pair up with anyone interested in exercise cos my former partner can't join me anymore..so now i'm 'advertising' for a new one. i guess this is better than working out alone right? So anyone free to join me swimming, running, gyming or cycling? Free motivation! Er..sorry only women can apply :P

Death and Birth

The death of a loved one can be really painful..but at least that person died loving you. The love did not die..only the person ..what's more painful is the death of love..to see a love die when the person is still alive..

Today my blue rose seems to have died..it has been wilting for some time, petal after petal dropping off... I went to my swim mourning for it..as i swam each lap, my tears mingled with the sparkling pool water..reminding me of the times when I swam and cried as a troubled teen. So i've come full circle..The pool will always be my comfort cos it seems to draw away my tears and surround me with its caressing waves. Well when i got up from the pool this time, I left the dead rose petals behind in the water.. they will turn into fertiliser for someone's rose garden..giving birth to a new rose plant, I hope...

I don't know when a new rose bud will appear...after the grief is fully worn off i guess.. but im sure it will eventually. With the death of each blue rose, i tell myself that I'd learn to love the next one even more tenderly. Yes I'd cherish and love even more deeply when love grows again...