New Year's Eve Gift to my Family

What a lovely New Year's Eve...woke up with a burning purpose for the morning - to clear my awfully tidy table by one pm! Reached school at about 9.40 am and started working at clearing the mess...gosh I did not know I had soo much rubbish. Felt like throwing everything away and start all over again but...what if ..I need this ..or that..Decisions, decisions! Anyway by 12 pm I had cleared so much that I just had to take a picture of my clean table! Here is how it looks...



Feeling so good, I went back on a high note. I had lunch wif my gal at the coffee shop downstairs - wanton noodles. Then I came back, blogged a bit and before I knew it, it was already 3 pm! Time to go to the gym! Did 45 min of cardio - 20 min of elliptical, 5min rowing and another 20 min on the stationary bike. Got to know a new fren at the gym too. Then on the way back, I did grocery shopping and immediately started cooking when I came back, which was about 5 pm. On the menu tonight was Kimchi Fried Rice and Beef stir-fried with Mushrooms. The stir fry beef from Culina's is really good - all I needed to do is marinade it and it's all ready to be stir-fried with anything! Tender and tasty..

Well after a whole hour of cooking, the kitchen was filled with wonderful aromas. I could not wait to eat the Kimchi fried rice, my very first attempt at it! Check out the picture :




Yes, it tasted as good as it looks!! Well I had a reason for doing my cooking early. Had arranged to meet a fren to pass him a package of kimchi I got from Korea. He had given me a lot of help for my Korea trip so it's only imperative that I gave him something he likes alot, considering also that he cooks too. We caught up over coffee and cake at Dome, having not seen each other for more than a month. Then I came back and here I am, blogging and listening to my Japanese lessons. ALready at Lesson 8!

Looking forward to learning more Japanese and even more, to my Japan trip next year. My wishes for next year : to be more understanding and less reactive, more focused on the person within than the appearance outside and find happiness in being who I am, in being alive and in doing the simple things such as cooking, reading, travelling and even listening to others.

Well I'm sure if I stay positive, 2011 will be a great year. Like they say, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

Courage in being who we are ..

It's not easy to be who we really are in this world where life is often like being on a stage or modelling run-way. We are under constant scrutiny for what we say and do. Strangers and close friends alike make verbal and non-verbal judgements on our appearances, behaviour, lifestyles, status and character, whether we like it or not. It's only when we are in private - when we are alone - that we can truly be ourselves without fear of being judged... but are we sure we still are not being watched? Sometimes even our absence or non-presence in public leads to prying eyes and assumptions about what we really are up to..

In setting up this blog, I was hoping to share some of my thoughts to the world... I do not know if this action of mine will benefit anyone but it definitely benefitted me cos in writing this blog, I'm giving shape to who I am. I'm being courageous in being who I am. But not surprisingly, I've got criticisms from readers who think I'm being too blatant bout sharing what I think or feel. It is ironic to me that they read my blog to find out what I'm thinking or feeling but yet they should criticise my openness... It takes two hands to clap, doesn't it? A cliched expression, but I can't think of any other to describe the irony here. If I should be a lustful man who seeks sexual thrills, should I be criticising the women who offer me such services? These women's bodies dun belong to me. Who am I to judge their morals if mine aren't tat great either? Similarly, if I like to read people's blogs, should I be criticising what they write? After all, it is THEIR blog so it's their choice what they want to write in it. Sure, they can't stop people from judging their character from what they post, but aren't we being narrow-minded to judge someone just based on what they post? Blogging is just a form of expression. Bloggers might even create a different identity in their blogs. A blogger who writes sexually explicit posts about his sexual exploits might really turn out to be a very shy person who has no sexual experience at all.

Anyway having said all that, I realise that my candidness here is still a bitter pill for some to swallow. I apologise to those of you who have winced at my candidness. That's why I have removed certain posts and shall from now on, only post what is socially acceptable. Thank you all for your feedback and may you all have a Happy New Year with good health and overwhelming prosperity!

Like We Never Loved At All...

Listening to this song, I don't think I can ever be like that.. Loving someone so deeply and then leaving that person as though we never loved at all...My heart will be torn into a million pieces. Once I have loved deeply, it takes me a long hard time to get over it. That's why when I fall in love, it's really really deep. I don't use the term frivolously. To some people, I'm so cold but that's because it's either I love so deeply or not at all.. Deep love is like a deep abyss and a magic spell. You can't find a way out of it and you don't want to. You keep slipping in farther n farther..

Most Touching Drama Ever...

Losing and Gaining

"Goodbye Tsugumi" was so absorbing that when I reached the last page, I felt like I was about to say goodbye myself to characters that I loved, cried, smiled, laughed and got angry with... A truly insightful, strong and yet gentle read - it penetrates your inner being like a mist. Before you know it, you're soaked and deep into it. One thing that particularly struck me in the story was what Tsugumi said about losing and gaining. When we lose something, we gain something else too. It's like an equation that has to be balanced.

Well I'm glad I've found the time these days to read fervently like I used to when I was a kid. I may have lost something I had hoped in, but I have gained my will power to be who I am, despite what happened.

Now I know why it's so hard for people of different social classes to be really good friends. At first there will be fascination and even curiosity at the differences in lifestyle and values, but after a while, the differences invoke a sense of alienation. Can I help being more fluent in English than Mandarin, despite being Chinese? All through my life, I've been reading, speaking and writing English as though it's my native tongue. Yes, I do appreciate the Chinese language but not so much as others in Chinese-speaking backgrounds do. In fact I scored an A2 in Chinese for my O levels, cos I used my brain power to memorise Chinese compositions and phrases. But I remember a classmate in my Secondary 4 class, who was very fluent in Mandarin, that scorned at me for being so weak in my Chinese. Whenever I had to reply the Chinese teacher, she would snigger at me. I remember feeling so incensed at her that it motivated me to put all my willpower into memorising as many chinese essays and phrases as I possibly could. I'd keep her sniggering scornful face in front of me as I studied. Another motivating factor was more positive though. The Chinese teacher I had then was such a wonderful encouraging teacher that she really stimulated me to put in more effort into a subject that I had always done badly in. Even when that classmate and a few others laughed at me when I spoke Chinese in class, she would reprimand them sternly and guide me in the correct pronunciation patiently. Even till today, I can still remember how she looked like, in my mind's eye. She was no beauty but her plain face and plump figure struck a lasting memory in my mind because of her encouraging smile and gentle manner with me.

Like most English-educated kids, I'm afraid I did not have much appreciation, less talk bout fondness, for Chinese culture. Yes I know I'm a Chinese but somehow I don't see myself as being linked to things that are Chinese in origin. I feel almost like I'm a Westerner trapped in a Chinese body! But yet I have never scorned or even laughed at people who could not speak English well. Having come from a poor family myself, it's definitely by a stroke of luck that I happened to be immersed in English. I do not know why but I have a real thirst for the English language. But at the same time, I do not wish to boast about my fluency in English. In fact I find myself subconsciously trying to speak more Chinese and Singlish to identify with my friends. I definitely don't need anyone to tell me I sound weird in Chinese, but if i'm spoken to in Chinese, I find it strange to reply in English so I swallow my pride and try to reply or communicate as best as I can in my 'broken' Chinese, hoping no-one will ridicule me or criticize my efforts...

But alas, it did happen... to me it's like laughing at a paraplegic who's trying to walk on his prosthetic limbs. Sure he'd look funny but laughing at him is tantamount to tearing down his confidence! If he should take offence, can I say "Hey why are you so sensitive? Don't you know how funny or ridiculous you look? Can't you even take a joke?" Well who's being sensitive or insensitive here?

Well maybe I should be more thick-skinned and let people just laugh at my efforts in speaking Mandarin. After all, it's practice that makes perfect rite? While I cannot stop people from laughing at me, I definitely can choose whether I want to be with such 'encouraging' people. I know I can't avoid speaking Mandarin altogether but I'd choose to speak it with people whom I know really appreciate my efforts eg. taxi drivers, hawker stall-holders... When they ask me in Mandarin and I reply them in Mandarin as well, the more broken it sounds, the more they actually appreciate me cos they know it only means I'm willing to use a language I'm not comfortable with just for their sake.

It's not distance that separates people. I think nothing separates people more than racial and cultural prejudice. I hate being scorned at for being "English-educated", for cooking more Western food than Chinese food, for being "ang-moh peng" by Chinese-educated people. Whether it's in pure jest or malice, I still think it divides people unnecessarily. Whether we're Chinese/English/Malay/Chinese/Indian born or educated, we all bleed red blood when we're stabbed. Most importantly, we're all human beings of the same species.

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