Letting go ...

When you really love someone, you let them go. It's such a popular saying but sooo hard to do. What I want now so much so much is to be in his arms and tell him and show him how much I love and need him. It's tearing me apart. I think my heart is simply bleeding to death. But God who loves me is sustaining me with surprises and good news. Yesterday when I was crying all day, I cried out to God - Please hold me cos I can't go on. I don't have the strength. I just wanted to die...the pain is soo bad that I just wanted to tear out my hurting heart and leave this world. God, take me home, please! I can't bear it anymore. I can't. Then out of nowhere my friend came up to me and put her hands around me and said "I'm so sad but I'm glad u're here." She gave me a hug! I mean, who's really sad here! SO i said I'm sad too but she just ignored me and continued hugging me. I could not believe it but she really cheered me up without knowing it. Then I walked back to my table and discovered another piece of good news regarding my work. My school canteen passed the third assessment! It's something I'm in charge of, so I was so relieved n happy. Finally felt a bit of appetite and went to the canteen where the canteen operators cheered me up with their rowdy talk. Then I got another piece of good news - Golf lessons extended to TWO hours on Wednesdays! Ahh, at least I've got sports to keep me company on Wednesday... And last nite, I managed to sleep all the way through and woke up exactly 5 min before my alarm rang. I knew God gave me a good sleep and I felt so refreshed...

Today it was a crazy busy day ..tears continued to well up in my eyes every few mins and I guess it's due to the breaking heart. Then my work buddies suddenly called me over, not even realising how sad I was, and asked me to go out pubbing on Friday nite, just after I called out to God "I don't think I can survive this week!"

I still don't know if I can but I'm just letting go and letting God take over. I really feel like just taking my own life and ending all the misery but I know I can't do that...I've to live for my kids...and just now, when I was taking a lift home in my wacky colleague's car, don't know why she suddenly said this "Christine! I like you very much and when u go for the PE course next year, I'd miss you like crazy!" I left her car with tears in my eyes, cos if only she knows how hard it is to just make it through each day without him..

To me he is the most gorgeous guy in all the world and even seeing his text on msn thrills me and makes my hands shiver still, even after 6 years!! How is it that I'm so hopeless at relationships?


I just hope he's happy with whoever his heart is loving now. I don't own his heart and I know there are so many younger and sweeter women out there, but I know in my heart he's the only one forever. I even went to work yesterday n today without any makeup for the first time! Heck care lah! But yet, no one noticed it and funny enough, many ppl said I looked so good and happy today, when I'm breaking up inside???!!! What the heck is going on???

Well I guess I have to learn to be more secure about myself and accept myself more. I'm going to workout like crazy cos that's what lifts me up. Two hours of golf today..tmr swim 30 laps..Friday go gym and pump iron till my arms ache!! Saturday buy a racer bike ...Sunday go cycling !