Soul searching

I've always been a loner as long as I can remember. When I was in Primary school, I was the top pupil and monitress of my class every year (except for pri 4 when i was third in position). I remember I never really felt I could get along with my classmates. The things they talked about, the jokes they shared and the way they behaved just seemed so childish to me. When I was in Primary 5, while children my age was playing catching and starting to tease each other, I was seeking the meaning of life. I started to read the Bible. I remembered when I was 12, I felt very attracted to men who were in their twenties or even thirties. I did not feel anything for the boys of my age, I thought they were like monkeys. Going through a troubled childhood, I developed different personalities. At school I would be someone else, at home another and in my fantasies, I was yet another. I switched between personalities easily. That way I could hide my insecurities and pain.

I never really felt I belonged to this world. Even as a teenager, I did not want the trappings of the world. Material things did not appeal to me. Cos inside me was this molten core of 'lava' bubbling with passion and love - for the ONE person I can connect with in this whole world. Someone I wanted to wrap my soul around and hold on forever. I walked through years and years searching for this one soulmate...stopping a few times cos I thought I found him ..only to be disappointed..cos i realise these people did not have the key to open the door to the core of my being..where this passion is located right in my innermost centre of my soul - where I am most vulnerable. When my soulmate opens the door, I know I'd be liberated finally. My search all these years will be over ... I'd leave everything I have behind for him. Everything. My soul will fly into the skies to be joined with his forever...We will never ever be lonely again. When we're physically apart, we long to be with each other. Nothing can separate us. Even death will not part us for our love will remain beyond death.

This is the hope I'm still living for and that's keeping me alive all these years. Nothing is of any meaning until we've found our soulmate.