What I didn't Say

There's a song by Saving Jane called "What I didn't Say"..



It's so true that what we didn't say says more than what we did say. I'm one of those people who find it hard to express my feelings in words and in person. But it's what I didn't say that tells about the real me. So this blog in a way serves this purpose - it helps me to express what I could not say in person. I guess people who don't know the real me think I'm such a warm, confident and obliging person. What they DON'T know is that there are many sides to me. There's this angry side to me - the one you wouldn't want to mess with. I keep it hidden a lot cos I've learnt from past experiences of unleashing it that I ended up regretting it bitterly. Nothing to boast about - lashing out in anger and giving people a piece of my mind, cos I end up losing the friendship, the trust and my dignity..

Sometimes we think we know someone well but do we really? I don't think i've ever shown the REAL me to anyone yet. I'm like a chameleon. I show wat I think the person can take and hide what they don't need to know. I don't mind if nobody really knows me well, not even my family. As long as I KNOW myself well, that's all that matters. I don't seek to be understood cos I know it's too complicated and shocking. I can live with what i've done but I don't think people can. It's sad that people are so judgemental. For example, when i posted in this blog about my best friend Rosiah and I fantasizing bout giving a blow job to a colleague's husband, a few readers were shocked! "How could you? It's not rite of a woman to say such things". Men can't decide what they want. They think women should not be so wild. But in these men's fantasies are women who are wild and uninhibited.

Anyway I guess Singaporean men are still a very conservative lot. They watch porn in private but in public they pretend to frown at women who are sexily or provocatively dressed. Maybe they're brought up with values that say women must be modest and decent. I do agree that those are virtues that are highly desirable in women. They have heard stories of how such wild women end up leaving with Caucasian men. What they don't know is..these women did not leave because they were wild. They left because they were not appreciated. A lot of Asian men still don't know how to appreciate and woo their women. They treat them like maids. I should know that, cos that's what my life is like. I dress modern and so on, but at home, I'm like a maid - i do the housework, cook and take care of the kids. If I had been more appreciated, I wouldn't be wishing for my Prince Charming to come along to save me.

Appreciation is so simple to do - just a word of thanks or a hug but the consequences of neglecting it can be so disastrous. Let me quote an article I read on appreciation that says it all :

The Value of Appreciation
Posted on February 1, 2005

By Tim Connor

Have you ever gone out of your way for someone and received a dull stare? Have you ever gone the extra mile for a friend or relative and had them act as if it was nothing? Have you ever experienced the frustration of being a thoughtful person and been treated as if your act of kindness or thoughtful behavior was expected and deserved and not even worth a simple thank you?

Well, I have, and on too numerous occasions to mention. I am not on an appreciation crusade so please understand that I don't need a thank you every time I do the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Having said that, I am constantly amazed at how few people have the manners, good taste or simple courtesy of saying thank you when it is the appropriate thing to do. It seems that as a society we expect things from everyone.

The list of people and examples is endless. Waiters who refill your iced tea, cab drivers who handle your luggage, people who hold doors open for you, drivers who let you cut into the line of traffic, spouses who acknowledge your simple courtesies and the numerous other daily examples of thoughtfulness that people do or fail to do for whatever reason.

There are some basic premises involved in simple appreciation. People who can't find it in their behavior to thank you may have a number of things going on either consciously or unconsciously. Here are a few of the possibilities.

These people are often insecure.
Many have low self-esteem and don't feel worthy of your acts of kindness.
Many feel entitled.

Few understand the simple truth that when you appreciate my thoughtfulness it makes me want to do more for you and the opposite is also true. Your lack of appreciation makes me want to do less for you.
Some are just so inner focused and don't even recognize your thoughtfulness.
Many believe that that is your job — to do stuff for them and it doesn't warrant even a simple thank you.
A great deal of people are so stressed out today that they could care less about your thoughtfulness.
Some just were never raised with simple manners.
Many people are angry about something in life and are taking their anger out on those people in their life, even strangers, who don't deserve it.
A lot of people believe that life is really just all about them.
Do you have someone in your life who fails to appreciate or even recognize your thoughtful behaviors? If you do, I will guarantee that their behavior will sooner or later take its toll on the quality of that relationship. What these people fail to recognize is that when we have less than appreciative people in our life, we will eventually stop giving to these people and we will make other people the focus of our thoughtfulness.

If you put yourself in the category of being less than an appreciative person — most people who think they are appreciative but who are not tend to have personal blind spots in this area and if you asked them if they believe that they are really appreciative, they would tell you yes — you might want to consider what you are losing from the people in your life. They may have just decided that you are no longer worth their thoughtful consideration and have found other people to give to.

There is one problem for the givers in this world. If there are too many people who fail to appreciate giving or special people; spouses, parents, friends, bosses etc. — people who just don't give them the appreciation they feel they deserve — they may stop being thoughtful to anyone and everyone all together. The problem with this reaction is that you have let other people's behavior determine your behavior and this is a position of weakness. Trust me: I know. I have been there. Ultimately, what you have done is let these people determine how you will go through your life. Don't do it, the price is far too high.

About the Author:
Tim is the President and CEO of Connor Resource Group, Peak Performance Institute and SelfHelpMarket.com. He has been a full time professional speaker, trainer, coach, consultant and best selling author for over 30 years. Each year, over 85% of his presentations are return engagements for the same clients on such topics as peak performance management, effective leadership, customer focused sales strategies, personal motivation, leading edge customer service and building positive business and personal relationships. He is the author of over 45 books including the international best sellers, Soft Sell, That's Life, The Ancient Scrolls, The Male Gift Giving Survival Guide, Your First Year in Sales and Life Questions.