Losing and Gaining

"Goodbye Tsugumi" was so absorbing that when I reached the last page, I felt like I was about to say goodbye myself to characters that I loved, cried, smiled, laughed and got angry with... A truly insightful, strong and yet gentle read - it penetrates your inner being like a mist. Before you know it, you're soaked and deep into it. One thing that particularly struck me in the story was what Tsugumi said about losing and gaining. When we lose something, we gain something else too. It's like an equation that has to be balanced.

Well I'm glad I've found the time these days to read fervently like I used to when I was a kid. I may have lost something I had hoped in, but I have gained my will power to be who I am, despite what happened.

Now I know why it's so hard for people of different social classes to be really good friends. At first there will be fascination and even curiosity at the differences in lifestyle and values, but after a while, the differences invoke a sense of alienation. Can I help being more fluent in English than Mandarin, despite being Chinese? All through my life, I've been reading, speaking and writing English as though it's my native tongue. Yes, I do appreciate the Chinese language but not so much as others in Chinese-speaking backgrounds do. In fact I scored an A2 in Chinese for my O levels, cos I used my brain power to memorise Chinese compositions and phrases. But I remember a classmate in my Secondary 4 class, who was very fluent in Mandarin, that scorned at me for being so weak in my Chinese. Whenever I had to reply the Chinese teacher, she would snigger at me. I remember feeling so incensed at her that it motivated me to put all my willpower into memorising as many chinese essays and phrases as I possibly could. I'd keep her sniggering scornful face in front of me as I studied. Another motivating factor was more positive though. The Chinese teacher I had then was such a wonderful encouraging teacher that she really stimulated me to put in more effort into a subject that I had always done badly in. Even when that classmate and a few others laughed at me when I spoke Chinese in class, she would reprimand them sternly and guide me in the correct pronunciation patiently. Even till today, I can still remember how she looked like, in my mind's eye. She was no beauty but her plain face and plump figure struck a lasting memory in my mind because of her encouraging smile and gentle manner with me.

Like most English-educated kids, I'm afraid I did not have much appreciation, less talk bout fondness, for Chinese culture. Yes I know I'm a Chinese but somehow I don't see myself as being linked to things that are Chinese in origin. I feel almost like I'm a Westerner trapped in a Chinese body! But yet I have never scorned or even laughed at people who could not speak English well. Having come from a poor family myself, it's definitely by a stroke of luck that I happened to be immersed in English. I do not know why but I have a real thirst for the English language. But at the same time, I do not wish to boast about my fluency in English. In fact I find myself subconsciously trying to speak more Chinese and Singlish to identify with my friends. I definitely don't need anyone to tell me I sound weird in Chinese, but if i'm spoken to in Chinese, I find it strange to reply in English so I swallow my pride and try to reply or communicate as best as I can in my 'broken' Chinese, hoping no-one will ridicule me or criticize my efforts...

But alas, it did happen... to me it's like laughing at a paraplegic who's trying to walk on his prosthetic limbs. Sure he'd look funny but laughing at him is tantamount to tearing down his confidence! If he should take offence, can I say "Hey why are you so sensitive? Don't you know how funny or ridiculous you look? Can't you even take a joke?" Well who's being sensitive or insensitive here?

Well maybe I should be more thick-skinned and let people just laugh at my efforts in speaking Mandarin. After all, it's practice that makes perfect rite? While I cannot stop people from laughing at me, I definitely can choose whether I want to be with such 'encouraging' people. I know I can't avoid speaking Mandarin altogether but I'd choose to speak it with people whom I know really appreciate my efforts eg. taxi drivers, hawker stall-holders... When they ask me in Mandarin and I reply them in Mandarin as well, the more broken it sounds, the more they actually appreciate me cos they know it only means I'm willing to use a language I'm not comfortable with just for their sake.

It's not distance that separates people. I think nothing separates people more than racial and cultural prejudice. I hate being scorned at for being "English-educated", for cooking more Western food than Chinese food, for being "ang-moh peng" by Chinese-educated people. Whether it's in pure jest or malice, I still think it divides people unnecessarily. Whether we're Chinese/English/Malay/Chinese/Indian born or educated, we all bleed red blood when we're stabbed. Most importantly, we're all human beings of the same species.